Stop Forcing Mothers To Choose: Creating A New System That Values All Ambition

Defining your own ambition

I was driving home from dropping my son at daycare this week when a podcast episode about working moms “vs” stay-at-home moms really got me listening. I literally had to pull over and start taking notes on my phone.

Then I realised I can use AI to transcribe and I managed to make my meeting in time. ;)

Why I really wanted this written down? Because it really touched me.

Here I am, writing my newsletter, working on my freelance project, creating my first online courses - wanting to build something meaningful.

Then I look at my son's face lighting up when I pick him up, and I think: this is what matters most.

Both are true. Both are me.

Everything is both.

It’s about the balance.

But society keeps telling us to pick a lane.

I've always pictured myself as a "working mom." It's what I wanted - independence, recognition, impact beyond my home. I never saw myself as June Cleaver with the apron (also because I am just not great in the kitchen). I wanted to be Michelle Obama.

That’s by the way the two women people in the US choose when needing to define working mom vs stay-at-home mom. Guess there is no doubt about who is who.

Then last week, I saw on LinkedIn that a female colleague from my old company got promoted to Director - in exactly the department I'd always wanted to work in. My stomach dropped.

I immediately thought: "That could have been me."

The title. The salary. The validation.

But then my brutally honest inner voice asked: "Really, Constanze? And who would be there when your son says those new words or needs you when he's sick? How stressed would you be trying to make it to daycare pickup after endless meetings?"

Ok, I could live without the new word of the week which is “Yam” instead of “Ja” but ok.

This isn't about judging either choice. It's about acknowledging the messy middle where most of us actually live.

The podcast defined ambition as "the determination to do things you care about." Not climbing corporate ladders. Not sacrificing everything for career. Just caring deeply about something and pursuing it.

By that definition, aren't all mothers ambitious? Don't we all care deeply about multiple things?

The Grey Area Nobody Talks About

The podcast hosts nailed it when they said we've created this artificial separation between types of mothers. As if we need to validate our choices by knocking others' down.

We do this with everything motherhood-related (and I think all moms can agree on that):

• breastfeeding versus formula,

• daycare versus nanny,

• working versus staying home.

Each choice somehow becomes a referendum on everyone else's decisions.

But here's what I've learned since becoming a mom: I don't fit neatly into either box. Most of us don't. I am somewhere in between.

Some days I'm in full business mode - meetings, strategy, content creation.

Other days I'm building LEGO towers and doing the same jigsaw for the millions time.

Sometimes I'm doing both simultaneously, with varying degrees of success.

What struck me most from the podcast was how we've linguistically trapped ourselves.

"Working" is active, while "staying" implies stagnancy.

The language itself creates a power imbalance when in reality, we're all working - just on different things, in different environments, with different compensation structures.

I remember when I first stepped back (see, I also do it) from my corporate career, I scrambled for the right words at social events.

"What do you do?" became a dreaded question. My corporate title had given me instant credibility and context. Now I fumbled through explanations that felt inadequate.

What I didn't realise then was that I didn't need better answers - we needed better questions. Questions like:

• "What fills your days right now?"

• "What are you excited about lately?"

• "How are you balancing everything?"

These questions would have recognised the reality that our identities and contributions aren't fixed - they're fluid and complex.

They change season by season, sometimes day by day.

And isn't that exactly what "Out of the Box" thinking is about? Rejecting these false categories in favor of something more authentic?

We Need Systemic Change - For All of Us

This is exactly what I want to trigger with this newsletter: thinking about how deeply our work systems need transformation.

This is what the "Strong US" part of my New Work framework addresses – creating systemic change that transforms how we work and live.

The issue isn't just about individual choices. It's about a system that narrowly defines success and ambition.

When we define ambition as "the determination to do things you care about," suddenly the picture changes.

• A mother advocating for her special-needs child with insurance companies is ambitious.

• A woman building community connections while raising children is ambitious.

• A professional pursuing flexible work to maintain both career and family priorities is ambitious.

But our systems haven't caught up to this reality.

The Workplace Is (Finally) Evolving

Interestingly, an article I read this week suggests the workplace might finally be catching up. Among seven trends for 2025, two stood out:

• "Tradition Gets Flexible" shows how even traditionally rigid corporate environments now seek project-based talent over permanent hires. This creates space for professionals to choose work that fits their broader life priorities and interests.

• "Personalized Productivity" recognises that the pandemic changed how we view work-life balance. Forward-thinking employers are embracing flexible, personalized schedules based on when people work best - not forced 9-to-5 structures.

These changes could be game-changers for parents trying to balance multiple forms of ambition.

But they're not enough without changing our mindsets too.

Recognizing the Growth That Comes With Motherhood

Did you know that becoming a parent triggers the third biggest period of brain growth in our lives? Only early childhood and adolescence rank higher.

Yet we've "dumbed down" motherhood to diapers and laundry, missing the complex management, advocacy, and problem-solving involved.

• writing detailed guides for school nurses,

• navigating healthcare systems,

• researching educational opportunities,

• building support networks

• and much more.

These experiences develop precisely the skills the modern workplace claims to value: efficiency, adaptability, communication, and resilience.

The article highlighted the move toward "skills-first" hiring over credentials - yet we rarely recognise parenting as the intensive skills development program it truly is.

I can even see this looking at myself.

Since becoming a mom, I'm more efficient, better at prioritising, and clearer about what matters.

But when I now apply for corporate roles, these gains are not recognised or valued by the system.

Creating Space for Curiosity, Not Judgment

Get curious about each other's choices instead of judging them.

Instead of asking "what do you do?" - a question that immediately creates division - we could ask:

• "What are you up to for the rest of the day?"

• "How are you balancing it all?"

• "What did you do previously? Is this new for you?"

Just because we wear yoga pants for pickup, doesn’t mean we do nothing all day. It’s honestly just comfortable and easy. ;)

This curiosity creates space for women to share that they're working on projects, advising businesses, or exploring new interests - because most are "managing in the grey" in ways that don't fit neatly into traditional boxes.

It's about recognising that we're all balancing it all - just different versions of "all."

Breaking Out of Boxes Together

The message connecting all of this?

We need to transform both systems and mindsets to create space for ambition in all its forms. Strong Me, strong WE, strong US.

I'm still figuring out what success looks like in this grey area.

When I saw that LinkedIn promotion announcement, part of me still felt the pull of traditional success markers.

But I'm learning to define ambition differently - as pursuing what I truly care about, in this season of my life.

Our generation needs to create new models and become the role models we haven't had.

We need to celebrate the complex journeys that don't fit neatly into "working mom" or "stay-at-home mom" categories.

I'd love to hear from you:

• How do you define ambition?

• What "boxes" have you broken out of?

• What changes would you like to see in how we talk about working parents?

Let's think Out of the Box together,

Constanze

Inspiration

• https://en.incarabia.com/7-employment-trends-coming-to-the-workplace-in-2025-717596.html